EULOGY FOR NICOLAS (From Nic’s father, Jacques. Read at the funeral service August 30, 2010)

I guess it’s safe to say that I now stand in a place where no parent would ever want to find themselves in. The last 2 years have brought me face to face with one of my worst fears. This fear was reinforced by every setbacks we experienced along the way, during Nic’s long battle with Leukemia. I would like to share a bit of my personal journey with you in the hope that I can show you that in the midst of deep grief and loss there can also be hope and peace.

Nicolas, or Nic as he was known to most, was born in October of 1985 under the sign of Libra. His name came to me in a dream around the time of his birth. In his youth, Nic was a sensitive, playful child with an easy laughter. In a playground or school setting, he was a bit shy of joining a new group of children. However once he did he would often become the group’s soft spoken leader. His gentle but strong ways and ideas influenced his friends and peers, and as he grew older he was always respected in the close circles he had formed around himself.

He was always surrounded by love. He developed a very strong loving bond with his mom, his sister Izzy, his brothers David and Robert, and with myself. He had a very loving extended family, at the head of which were his loving grandparents. He thrived in the beautiful and rich environment of the Waldorf school. Through the Waldorf community, he developed bonds and friendships that will continue to grow beyond the confines of this one life. As a young man, Nic was healthy and strong. His impressive 6’-3” and 200 lbs stature made him a force to be reckoned with. There were no signs that he leave us would early other than a very short life-line in the palm of his hand.

I believe that his upbringing and the leadership qualities he displayed at an early age are what helped him and, ultimately all of us, go through the difficulties of the last 2 years. His ability to be completely aware of the dire situation he was in and to also always remain hopeful, inspired all of us to stay strong and hopeful. He would sometimes call me in tears from the hospital after receiving another devastating news, I would rush over and we would cry together. And yet the next moment, he was up and ready to fight on, more determined than ever.

A few nights before his passing, he asked me how I was doing. I told him that I had my difficult moments, but that when I was with him, I tried to keep it together. He replied “that’s just unhealthy”. He felt that our family would do a whole lot better if we all faced our grief together with him. So I asked him if he would prefer that I share my grief with him in that moment. He said yes. So we held each other and we cried together. He held me and comforted me as I told him that I wanted to see him get a wife, have children and grow old. He would have been a great father.

Anyways, he was very happy we had this release together, and so was I. He wanted all of us to let go of the grief and fear and he was determined to help us do this. He helped all his siblings and I can remember a huge grin on his face after he had helped his brother David go through the same process.

On the last night I spent alone with him, Robert and David called me into his room at 1:30 am. We barely could make out what he was saying and he had limited ability to move his limbs. He wanted me to sleep beside him. I lay beside him and watched his chest rise with each short breath. Every hour or so he would open his eyes and look out the window at the night sky. At one point, he started singing the lullaby Cynthia received for him from his mom. When I burst into tears he looked at me surprised and said “What?” questioning why I was so sad. He turned towards me and we held each other through the night.

On his last night with us, Cynthia our devoted friend and spiritual advisor, Lee his beloved step mom, Travis and Izzy and his brothers Robert and David all took turns to watch over him. The support and love of many dear friends was also there with him that night. In a beautiful surrender Nicolas passed away peacefully, surrounded by his loving family.

I understand that the grief and loss is very raw for many who are here today and for many more who could not be here with us. To all of you, please know that we understand your grief and are extremely grateful for your concern. Nic wanted all of us to face our fears and grief and he understood the illusion that they all really are. He also wanted us to celebrate and I promise you there will be a celebration.

If I have gained anything from this experience it is that it helped me re-affirm my faith in the following:

That we are here to experience, to love, learn and grow.

That we are more than these frail bodies.

And that we need to learn to trust, trust, trust.

Finally in closing, I want to express our deepest gratitude to all who have contributed prayers, healing, food, money and other support towards Nic and our family. There are too many to name but you are all in our hearts and we are deeply thankful for your kindness and generosity.